By Cheri Torres
I’ve heard parents lament their efforts at hosting family dinners. They too often end up eating in silence after several attempts at starting a conversation. At the end of a long day, trying to talk over dinner just feels like more work. The result, we return to dining by screen light. Don’t give up! With practice, we can regain the lost art of conversation. In fact, consider adding this to your 2020 New Year’s resolutions. Here’s how you can make it easy.
First, choose a topic that has interest and inspires creative thinking. Be sure everyone can participate even if you have children at the table. Then create a positive frame for it. For example, a national discussion topic around public schooling is the achievement gap. Many of these conversations are focused on “fixing kids” or “fixing teachers.” This is a subject every child in school can weigh in on. They will have ideas and insights that adults won’t have. Here’s how you might frame such a conversation for the family:
When some of the flowers in our garden aren’t blooming, we don’t try to change the flowers, we change their environment: giving them extra nutrients, water, sunlight. Not all children bloom in our school environments. Instead of trying to change them, we can change their environment.
Then, ask questions. Let the youngest be the first to answer, make sure everyone has a chance, and no one dominates the dialogue. Be sure to join in yourself and be the last to answer. Follow up on great ideas with questions to deepen and broaden the thinking; see how they might unfold. Link similar ideas together, building and expanding the realm of possibilities. Ask questions that inspire curiosity and creative thinking; invite everyone to be part of the conversation. For example:
What are your teachers doing to help every student bloom?
When are you most alive and excited about learning?
Tell me about a specific time when you felt like you bloomed in school. What did you value about yourself, other students, and your teacher in that experience?
What do you think would help your peers who are struggling?
How can students help each other bloom? What strengths do you have that would help others?
What three wishes do you have to make schools a place where everyone blooms?
Here are some additional topics and reframes to get you started:
Anyone can come up with answers, but the sign of genius is asking great questions.
What questions did you ask today?
What are you most curious about?
What disruptive questions might change the way we think about _______.
You can also focus crafting questions on a specific topic.
What genius questions might we ask about ______?
Innovative solutions to some of our climate challenges are being discovered or developed daily, like fungi that decompose plastic, 3-D on-site building printing, and the Clean Ocean Interceptor (which cleans plastic from rivers).
What do we do in our daily living that contributes negatively to climate change?
What are some ways we could decrease our negative impact right now?
What technological innovation might allow us to keep doing what
we’re doing and not have a negative impact?
There are no problems in the world we cannot solve!
If you could solve one problem in the world, what would you solve?
What would be the outcome?
How would you know you were successful?
What are we already doing and what else might we do to achieve that?
Find an inspiring short video to kick off a conversation. To find one, google ‘inspirational videos,” “positive news,” “innovation that is changing everything,” or another uplifting topic. Then start off a conversation based upon the video. Some examples might be:
People doing good deeds for others might foster conversations guided
by questions such as:
How does this video inspire you?
How did you help someone or do a good deed for someone else today?
How can we help each other each day?
New inventions that resolve an important human need (clean water, food, housing).
Questions might include:
What do you think made it possible for this invention to come about?
What needs do we have in our community that could use an invention?
What kind of impact do you want to have in our family? Community? The world?
Remember, the art of conversation is not about right and wrong. It is not about one good solution or the best idea. The art of conversation is about fostering connection, shared understanding, and the expansion of ideas and possibilities. In our polarized world, we desperately need to rekindle the art of conversation. Tonight, inspire a family dinner conversation. Make room for everyone’s voice, even young ones. Keep asking generative questions and creating space for conversation to grow. Let’s make 2020 the year that civil and creative conversation finds its way back into our homes and communities. It can all begin around the family dinner!
Cheri Torres is Lead Catalyst for positive change and organization consultant with Collaborative by Design. Visit ConversationsWorthHaving.today to download a free Conversation Toolkit, or visit cheritorres.com.