By Cheri Torres
No matter where you are in your organization, you can make a difference and get noticed. If you’re in management, you can fuel productivity and meaningful engagement. If you’re on the front line, you can inspire teamwork and creativity. You can even address issues with your boss effectively. You can do all of this through conversation.
We forget how powerful our conversations are. They influence our wellbeing, relationships, and ability to succeed. Become a conversation change agent and you will become a valued member of your organization. There are three simple practices that will help you catalyze conversations worth having.
#1: Pause, Breathe, Get Curious
How often do you feel defensive, annoyed, or critical of your colleagues or boss? They do something and you get triggered. This natural response to stress or threat is normal, but not helpful. This first practice is: PAUSE before reacting. Take a deep breath. And get curious: Why are you defensive? Have you made assumptions? Are you sure what you think is true? Absolutely sure?
Example: you’re walking down the hallway toward your boss. As you pass by, you smile and say, “Hi!” She says nothing; she is scowling. You feel rejected, and think, “She’s arrogant.” Fear creeps: What if she didn’t like the report you just turned in. You’re starting to make up stories.
Let’s apply Practice #1. Pause. Breathe and recognize that you just got triggered. Then get curious:
1. What are the facts? You said “Hi!” She didn’t answer. Her face had an unhappy-kind-of-expression. She didn’t say anything. You got triggered. That’s it. Everything else is made up.
2. What else might explain those facts? She was lost in thought and didn’t hear you. She just heard bad news. She was headed to a meeting she was worried about. She’s not feeling well.
3. Question assumptions. Has she even read your report yet? Is she an arrogant person?
Just asking yourself these few questions can shift your thinking and feeling. Genuine curiosity emerges: Is she okay? Is there anything you can do to support her?
You can use this practice to help you shift from self-protection to connection. You can also use it to shift meeting dynamics. Imagine your team is arguing. You might say, “Let’s pause. Can we take a moment to get the facts up on the board and begin to see what we know and don’t know?” Once that’s done, you might say, “I’m not as clear as I thought I was. What outcome are we hoping for?” Just these simple questions can shift the tone and direction of the original conversation.
#2: Ask Generative Questions
Generative questions shift the way people think. In the above examples, your thinking about your boss and your team’s thinking shifted because of the nature of the questions. Generative questions also create compelling images that inspire action. Once all the facts are on the whiteboard and you have a shared understanding of the outcome, you might ask a question that creates compelling images such as, “How might we move towards our desired outcome?”
Generative questions typically result in:
1. Stronger relationships because people take time to ask one another questions that create connection, inclusion, and understanding.
2. New information and new knowledge because asking questions has surfaced facts, challenged assumptions, and brought forth collective wisdom.
3. Possibilities for solutions and actions because people ask questions that enable divergent and creative thinking.
4. Images of the future because people ask questions about desired outcomes.
#3: Create a Positive Frame
The last practice is to talk about what you want instead of what you don’t want. When there are problems or complaints, flip the focus to desired outcomes. For example, if your staff is complaining, instead of asking them, “What’s wrong?” Ask them, “What would you like to see change? What might we do to improve things?”
If you need to address a problem with your boss, you are not likely to point out what he is doing wrong. Instead, create a positive frame for the conversation and ask generative questions. Example: Imagine you keep getting last minute assignments at the end of the day. You might frame a conversation with your boss around wanting to excel in the job. You might ask generative questions like, “What ideas do you have to help me be successful when you give me assignments?” and “If I have questions I want to ask to make sure we’re on the same page about the outcome of my work, when is the best time for me to ask?” Then engage in a conversation that ensures you are able to meet or exceed his expectations.
No matter what is happening in your organization or where you sit hierarchically, you can make a positive difference simply by fostering conversations worth having. And when you do, you will be noticed!
Cheri Torres is Lead Catalyst for positive change and organization consultant with Collaborative by Design. Visit ConversationsWorthHaving.today to download a free Conversation Toolkit, or visit cheritorres.com.