By Jill Long
It is out of the times when we are feeling the most uncomfortable that we are at our strongest point for personal growth. We tend to view our difficult times as weak points, but if we see these times as opportunities, we can develop our potential and be more authentic. Instead of getting caught up in the “bad” feelings of sadness, fear, or even anger, and trying to rid ourselves of them, we could be-friend them and allow them to tell us what may need to change in our lives. Through evaluating these thoughts and feelings, we can move to make changes in our behavior and make our lives happier, be more present, and more authentic in the world.
We tend to identify closely with our problems and feelings even allowing ourselves to be labeled by them. We may say: “I’m just an angry person,” or “I have a quick temper.” Feelings occur as a result of thoughts based on an event that has happened. We are not born with a certain predisposition of feelings. They may come from an unconscious thought or one that extends so far back in our lives we no longer recognize it. The feelings that come from these thoughts can become our “go to” feelings when certain things happen that may trigger us. We may even become comfortable with these feelings and not know how to be without them. However, it is helpful to identify and evaluate them, allowing them to become friends to help us. Through this process, we can understand our feelings and make changes in our behavior.
Some thoughts are “automatic thoughts.” They occur without much effort because we have become programed by these thoughts. These automatic thoughts will lead us to certain feelings. For example, someone cuts you off in traffic. You may not realize at the time, but this action on someone else’s part can trigger certain automatic thoughts such as: What an idiot, Did they not see me? What a bad driver. These thoughts may not even register at the time, but they are there in the background of your mind. These thoughts then may lead you to become angry. This process happens within a few seconds, behind the scenes of your awareness. Within a few seconds you have caused yourself to become angry–possibly increasing you blood pressure, heart rate, and even temper. You didn’t start your day to get upset, but here you are.
To take time to identify your automatic thoughts can be very helpful in creating a happier and more authentic life. These thoughts can cause more angst than help, can lead to uncomfortable feelings, even inappropriate or illegal actions, or spending time dwelling on something that happened which you had no control over.
Back to the example of someone cutting you off in traffic. Take time to think about what your automatic thoughts are: What an idiot, Did they not see me? What if for a moment you questioned what might be going on in their life? Could they have just got bad news? Are they sick? Would these questions help change your automatic thoughts and possibly create less anger or stress for yourself?
We have all had life events that caused varying degrees of troubled thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. Others may not understand the extent of our discomfort because what is troubling for one person may not be as troubling for another. Instead of dismissing our feelings and thoughts, or labeling ourselves, maybe we could examine our thoughts and feelings, allowing them to teach us about ourselves. This doesn’t mean we need to dwell on them, but allow whatever experience you have to be present with no judgement. Explore your automatic thoughts and how you present in the world based on your thoughts, and see which ones still serve you.
Think about all the people and events that have shaped your life and your automatic thoughts, and therefore who you have become as a result. You have developed automatic thoughts about the world and have become a reflection of that. You have a world view based on your thoughts that is mirrored to the world in your actions. If you do not like who you see in this mirror, take time to evaluate your thoughts about the world and how it reflects on your actions. Personal growth comes from viewing your thoughts and life experiences in a different light, not seeing them as good or bad, but as potential. Our thoughts about our life and how they have shaped our world view, are the key to happiness and living an authentic life.
The next time you are feeling upset or down, take a moment to reflect on why you feel the way you feel, and which thoughts lead to those feelings. Ask yourself as many times as needed: Why do I feel this way? How do my thoughts affect the way I feel? Is this a true reflection of who I am or want to be in the world? Use the insight you gain from this exploration to lead to more happiness and fulfillment in the world.
Jill Long, M.A. Ed.
Licensed Professional Counselor